Tired of Pretending
by seven maxwell
Summary: I'm not as stupid as people think I am. I just like to play that game because it's easy. I've been playing the idiot for so long...It just might kill me. YxS (I'm not stupid)
1. Default Chapter

I'm not stupid  
by seven maxwell 

Disclaimer: okay I don't own them but I will play with them!  
Pairs: YxS and anyone else I can think of..  
Rating so far only PG mainly for language.

note> I only borrowed the lyrics to L'arc en ciel's Butterfly sleep. I don't own them as much as I would like to.(sigh)

Summary: None yet I just woke up at midnight 'cause this wouldn't leave me alone until I wrote it down.

Prologue...

I'm not stupid...

I'm not as stupid as people think I am. I just like to play that game because it's easy. People expect it from me. I mean come on...I have pink hair and I sing rock music for lonely teenage kids out there! I dress like some retro fashion closet disaster and I'm much too happy all the time. If you just met me and seen me the way I just described myself wouldn't you think I'm immature and stupid? I would.

But like I said I'm not stupid. No in fact I'm actually pretty smart. I've got a 187 IQ and I can speak three languages, self taught by the way. Yes I'm proud of that I mean how many can say they taught themselves to speak three languages and fluently mind you? Not many huh?

So like I said I'm pretty smart. Doesn't mean I'm always knowledgeable about everything though. If I had any real brains I wouldn't have continued with this stupid charade. I would have ended it as soon as I finished high school. But long time habits are hard to break and this was no different. I've been playing the idiot for so long I've almost forgotten how to be serious. I'm always running off to Hiro, letting him be the smart and serious one. It's easier that way. No one questions anything.

In all honesty I think the only reason I haven't given up the act is because I don't have to prove anything. I don't have to know everything. If I screw up everyone just shrugs it off as one of my immature episodes of Yuki neglect.

But that all changed after Tohma Seguchi decided to reunite Nittle Grasper. He didn't like the popularity Bad Luck was getting. He's not one for competition and not one for losing, especially his records as the No.1 rock/electronic band in Japan. Which Bad Luck was catching up on, that's right we were kicking ass and he got jealous. So after reuniting Nittle Grasper and pitting me against my long time idol Ryuichi Sakuma, Tohma Seguchi had the gall to say that I don't have enough talent to stand on the same stage as Ryuichi. That I wasn't smart enough to compete against him and Nittle Graspers award winning hits. Hn...smug bastard.

Just because he's head of NG studios and my boss doesn't give him the right to say damning things like that to your face. Especially in front of hundreds of cameras and live TV, yup the bastard humiliated me and my band in front of my fans. Sad thing is I had nothing to say to him, no quick remark, no witty come backs, nothing. I sat there like a fish with my mouth opening and closing in pure disbelief that such a scorpion sting could come from such a sweet face.

That's the reason why I'm here right now. That's the reason that I'm lying in a hospital bed with tubes stuck to me everywhere. That's the reason why I'm plugged to a heart monitor, an oxygen tank, a catheter and a multitude of IV's.

That's the reason why I'm in a coma.

Because it all started six months ago...

Flashback-one month ago>

"shoujo no you ni karen na hitomi wa toumei na mama de  
majiwaranai awaku shiroi hada chou no you ni mau DORESU

himeta omoi musubare naku to mo eien wo negatta kisetsu wa  
sotto kage wo hisome kurayami no shihai yuganda haguruma

sono daichi wo yaki haraeba ii  
sono subete wo ubaiaeba ii

mou nido to anata no me wa kono utsukushii yoake wo  
utsusu koto mo kanai wa shinai inochi wo tabane sasagete mo

Please rise from the dead on earth with my last kiss

sono daichi wo yaki haraeba ii  
sono subete wo ubaiaeba ii  
aa nani wo nani wo nozomarete kanashimi wo umidasu no ka?

itsu made mo sono negao wo shizukani mitsumeteita  
nemuri wo sasou yasashii kaze ga futari wo tsutsumu made

kono koi wa toki wo koete anata no moto ni sakaseyou  
ikusen no yoru to asa wo mukae dare no te ni mo todokanai chi de"

The last beat died out and I could hear nothing but the ringing in my ears. Everyone just stared at me as I stood there microphone in hand. Yuki looked stunned, like he couldn't believe that was me singing. Even K and Sakano stared dumbfounded at me, Suguru looked shocked and Hiro shook his head like's he's known all along what I'm capable of. They said I couldn't do it. They said I didn't have the talent for it.

They were wrong.

I proved them wrong because I did it. I do have the talent for it. I am strong enough, smart enough, talented enough, and now they know it.

I smile weakly at them, the microphone in my hand slips and falls clattering to the floor. The walls tilt to the left and the ceiling comes into view. When did it get so cold in here and why am I so wet?

I can't hear anything but the ringing in my ears, a loud continuous warping sound getting louder by the minute. I focus away from the distancing ceiling to see Yuki and Hiro running towards me. They look upset.

Why are they upset? I did it! They should be happy for me! Dammit why can't I ever please anyone?

A cold shiver rips through my back and I hiss at the feeling. Dammit I think I pushed myself too hard. Oh god, I feel sick!

"Shuichi!" Hiro yells. He lunges and catches me around the shoulders just as my knees give out.

Fuck I did go too hard.

"Shit Shuichi you're burning up! K call an ambulance hurry!" Hiro yells. He lowers me to the cold hard ground. Goddammit that's cold! I can't control my chattering teeth.

"Let me see." Yuki shoves Hiro away from me. Hiro glares at Yuki before shoving him back.

"This is all your fault you asshole! You let him go to far! Now he's sick!" Hiro grabs Yuki by the shoulder and punches him square across the cheek. Even I flinch at the force of that hit.

Yuki stumbles back and lands on his butt. He jumps up and tackles Hiro, now they're in an all out fight right next to me. Jerks couldn't pick a better spot could they?

"Shuichi-kun just stay still. The ambulance is on the way." Sakano gushes over me; he even threw his suit jacket to cover me. I turn my head and see K pointing his magnum at both Yuki and Hiro. Hiro looks more beat up than Yuki.

I turn to face Sakano again and realize the recording studio is empty.

I want to ask him how I did. I want to ask him if they liked the new song or the way I sung it. I want to ask him if Bad Luck will beat Nittle Grasper now. I want to ask him so many things but the little black clouds in my eyes and the ten pound weight on my tongue won't let me. So I'm stuck just staring at him as everything fades to black.

Good thing is I'm not so cold anymore.

* * *

tsuzuku... 

continue...yes?...no?

Let me know.


	2. Mot

I'm not stupid  
by seven maxwell 

Disclaimer: see prologue

(note) I'm reposting this chapter due to some grammar and spelling errors the first time. Sorry I was in a rush. (grins) All better ne?

* * *

Chapter One. 

I've been thinking. Hell there's nothing else for me to do but lie here and think; so I've come to the conclusion that I should probably thank Tohma Seguchi for publicly humiliating me. If it weren't for him I wouldn't be where I am now. Literally speaking. Sure I'm in a coma and I'll probably spend the rest of my existence in a vegetable state but...if it weren't for Tohma I wouldn't be the awesome singer I am now. That's right awesome.

After that whole incident back at the recording studio one month ago I've found out that everyone present at that time all agreed that my performance is and will always be regarded as one of the best in NG ever. Sakano told me after I was admitted. He's been visiting me everyday, bringing me fresh flowers and news from NG and our record sales. Apparently my new song 'Butterfly Sleep' has hit the charts as the number one hit. Beating Nittle Graspers 'Sleepless Beauty' big time, we've knocked them out of the park so to speak. We beat Nittle Grasper.

I'll have to thank K one day, that's if I ever wake up, because he's the one who stole the only recorded copy of my song and pushed it through the radio waves that same night. I never really thought about what an influence a big gun toting American could have. I'm pretty sure he used his magnum to convince the DJ to play the song even though it was an illegal copy. The poor guy must have craped his pants at having a gun pointed in his face, its scary having something like that happen to you. Lord knows I've been on that end of the pistol many times before.

Oh did I mention K has come to visit me too, mainly to check up on my status. I think I overheard him once saying he wanted to have me taken over to the U.S. for medical testing. I don't think Sakano let him though because I'm still here. Hiro comes and visits me every day, he tells me about him and Ayaka, about Suguru and the new compositions they've come up with. He tells me that all they're waiting for is for me to wake up and make the song better. He's telling me to wake up. I wish I could.

Yuki comes everyday too, he even brings his laptop with him. Everyday he comes and sits beside me typing up his new novel. He even read it to me once, I always knew he was a great writer but I didn't really know how great until his rich baritone and storytelling gave my mind an excuse to do something besides think all day. I miss that, he hasn't read to me lately and I miss his rich voice spinning a fabulous tale of love and mystery. I think he finished that novel though, that's probably why he hasn't read to me. He does speak to me though; he tells me all the little things Tatsuha has done recently, the recent fight between Ryuichi and Tohma that no one knew about because Tohma only told Yuki and Ryuichi went back to L.A. I wonder what had happened there.

But right now unfortunately Yuki's gone home and visiting hours are over. I know because Yuki told me so before he left. It's funny how I can hear everything everyone says to me but I can't respond. Not even a twitch of my eyebrow, nothing. So as I said before I'm all alone right now, the nurse had already come and checked up on my vitals and had left to check the other patients so I imagine.

So nothing left for me to do right now but tell you what exactly happened six months ago. How it is I got here. The path I took that led me down a one way spiral to hell. I said I was smart but after thinking about what I did these past few months I'm not so sure anymore. Maybe if I told you my story then you could tell me.

It's up to you.

Six months ago>

"BIG NEWS!" K said kicking the door of the recording studio down off its hinges. Everyone inside froze at the sight of the six foot two inch American. Only those used to his intimidating looks and big gun didn't flinch.

"Bad Luck has been nominated to perform for this year's International Concert held in Tokyo!" K said tossing a paper to Hiro. "The concert is being held in nine months, which means we need to come up with some new material before then." At this K pulled out his magnum and pointed directly at me.

"We need new lyrics Shindou so you better haul ass and start writing." The safety was unlatched and he cocked his gun.

He had his gun pointed at me. You think I'm stupid enough to argue with that kind of logic? I agreed if only to save my own skin.

"Good get started." K put his gun back into his holster. Sakano, hiding behind a chair, finally emerged as soon as K put his gun away.

"Well this is indeed good news, this should promote Bad Luck in just the right direction. If we hit big in this concert, being International and all we might even get promotions in other countries. We could hit the U.S. and maybe Canada an-"

"Slow down boy we're not there yet. I said Bad Luck was nominated, they still need to work up some new stuff if we want to actually perform there." K said standing tall, crossing his arms.

"Bad Luck will perform there if I have anything to do with it." Suguru said confidently. "We've already sold a million copies with 'Rage Beat' alone, if we come up with something new there's no way we won't perform, especially with me pulling strings."

"Are you going to have Tohma endorse Bad Luck's nomination?" Sakano asked adjusting his glasses.

"No I intend to do this with out Tohma Seguchi." Suguru said, "I've been composing some new beats. I've been basing them on underground rave music like trance, techno, jungle, acid, drum and bass, freestyle, trip hop and my absolute favorite happy hardcore."

I blink, "Want to run that by me again?"

Suguru shook his head, "Honestly Shindou-kun I at least hoped you would understand the importance of underground music." He said, "I've been using underground beats for the new compositions. My idea is to mix both electronica and underground and come up with a new style of music that hasn't been heard of yet. With the right lyrics this could be Bad Luck's chance to sky rocket up the charts. We could be bigger than Nittle Grasper!"

Everyone nodded.

"So all we need is some really good lyrics huh?" Hiro said.

Everyone turned to stare at me. I could feel the room and everyone else getting bigger and bigger. Or maybe it's me getting smaller and smaller.

"Um...so I guess I'm working on lyrics then huh?" I say. I jump up and pose, "Bad Luck will have the best lyrics ever! I'm gonna start working on 'em tonight! No sex with Yuki tonight unless he starts if of course then I'm gonna have to give in but I don't think he's gonna be too 'needy' tonight 'cause he's been working for over 36 hours an-"

"Shut up and start writing." K points his gun at me again.

"Now, now, we have quite a bit of time to come up with new lyrics and music scores. I think it's best if we call it a day. We can start early tomorrow morning." Sakano said.

Everyone agrees and K put his gun away.

Hiro gave me a ride home later. When I went in to Yukis apartment the place was dark and the only light was coming out from beneath his study door. I was tempted tell yell my customary 'Tadaima' but decided against it. I really don't feel like getting yelled at again and I really don't feel like being called a 'damn brat' right now. I'm not a masochist.

I plopped down on the couch and propped my feet on the coffee table. Grabbing the remote to the TV I started surfing channels. I heard the door to Yuki's study open and I heard his soft footsteps on the wooden floor. I pretended not to notice he entered the living room until he crashed down on the other end of the couch.

"I didn't hear you yell when you came in. I thought you died or something." He says. His hair is messy and his shirt wrinkled. He's drinking a beer and I could smell the cigarette off of him.

"I didn't want to bother you. You always tell me to leave you alone when you're working and I saw the light from your laptop shinning underneath the door so I knew you were working and I came-" He pressed a slender finger to my babbling lips.

"Shh...God you babble. Listen next time you come home and I'm working it's alright to greet me so long as you do it quietly I won't mind." He leaned in and kissed me lightly on the lips. "Have you eaten?"

I shook my head, "No I'm not hungry just tired." I tell him. He sat down next to me and threw his arm over the back of the couch. I know this routine; I give him two minutes before he puts his arm around me and pulls me in for a cuddle.

I smirk, I was right.

I find it both cute and funny every time this happens. When I don't go lavishing him with all the attention he's used to he comes seeking it out. I press close to him and drown myself in his scent and his warmth.

"K told us that Bad Luck was nominated to perform for the International Concert. It's going to be held in nine months. If we get to perform we might even get promotions in other countries." I tell him.

"Is that so?" He asks.

I nod.

"Then why is Tohma on TV announcing the very same thing?"

"WHAT!?"

I turn to the TV and see Tohma Seguchi on the air behind him is Nuriko and Ryuichi. I grab the remote and turn up the volume.

"...So it's true then?" Some announcer was talking.

"Yes it's true, Nittle Grasper has reunited and we have been nominated to perform for the International Concert. We've been asked to represent Japan." Tohma smiled. He always smiles. It's freaking annoying.

"Mr.Seguchi I heard that Bad Luck has also been nominated to perform, what do predict the outcome will be if you compete against one of NG's rising bands?" Some anchor lady asked.

"I'm very confident that Nittle Grasper will be dominant in any situation. Bad Luck may be good but they are still...young." Tohma said still smiling.

"Thank you Mr.Seguchi. We'll there you have it folks Nittle Grasper will definitely be performing at the Inter-"

By this time I was standing up and steam was coming out of my ears. That...that..."Prick!"

Yuki looked at me startled but I'm too pissed to care right now.

"That son of a...cheap bastard...no good...Goddammit, shit, fucking...ARSCHLOCH! MUTTER FUCKER...SON VON EINEM WEIBCHEN. WER DENKT ER, DASS ER IST? ICH WERDE IHN ZEIGEN!" I yell shaking my fists at the picture of Tohma still on screen.

Some of my anger eases away and I glance at Yuki only to find him staring at me in awe. I was so pissed I'd forgotten that he doesn't know I can speak German. Crap...I'd better play the idiot role.

As if on cue I pucker my lips, make my bottom lip tremble, furrow my brow, discreetly pinch my inner arm and bend my knees inwards. I sink down to the floor with a loud wail, tears streaming down my face from disappointment...but mainly from the pinch on my inner arm. Those always hurt.

Yuki gets off the couch and kneels down in front of me. He puts his finger against my lips hushing my cries. I sniffle cutely for him. He leans forward and kisses me deeply. I open my mouth letting him slip his tongue in. We stay there kissing and groping for a while until finally he drags me off the floor and marches me to his bedroom. We made love, he was gentle and slow. Just the way I like it.

Later that night though I couldn't get the image of Tohma on TV out of my mind. He called us 'young', he should have just tossed in 'wet behind the ears' while he was at it. I curl on my side; I don't want Yuki to know I'm still awake. I just still can't believe what a bastard Tohma Seguchi really is. You would never know it from that hideous smile that he's always wearing. He's such a narcissistic bastard, but you know what the sad thing is?

He's right.

As much as I hate to admit it Tohma's right. Bad Luck is still 'young' and 'wet behind the ears' but...he didn't have to announce that to the whole world did he? Sighing softly I get up quietly without waking Yuki and exit his bedroom. I turn on my keyboard and computer, putting my headphones on I focus on my mood. That's usually what prompts my creativity, if I'm happy I write love songs. If I'm sad I write nothing because I'm usually too depressed or too pissed to think clearly. Just like now, here I am staring blankly at my computer without one creative music thought in mind.

Forget it, taking off my headphones I turn off my keyboard. Instead I open up my internet navigator and check my email. Sometimes I can find some really cool stuff online. Once I found an online IQ test and just for fun I took it. Damn thing said I only had 149 IQ. This is untrue of course because I have a 187 IQ, proven fact.

I search the engine looking for any thing that will spark my muse. I type in 'creativity' and hit search. Just a bunch of useless stuff I'm not going to read, I click on 'next page' over and over searching for any heading of any interest. That's when I spot one.

'Creativity in a bottle - Need creativity? Let us help you open your mind to the endless possibilities of ideas. Just a simple pill will spark your creativity and open your mind to limitless imagination. (Click Here) And an associate will contact you via email with information. "Imagination is the key to intelligence" Mark Twain.'

I sat there looking at the message, I know it's a hoax but I'm curious so I click on (Click Here) and fill in the needed info. I wait about five minutes and check my email again. It's the only message in the Inbox, I read the info. All it said was that it was a pill provided to enhance creativity. It only cost like 1,000 yen (1) so I gave in and bought it with my credit card. It's supposed to arrive in three days.

Whatever.

I closed the window and turned off the computer. I spent the rest of the night sitting in a chair across the room from where Yuki slept. I figure if I can't sleep I can at least watch the one I love sleep. He really needed it.

Two days went by with the usual. You know 'same shit different day'. I haven't spoken to Tohma since after I saw him on TV. Apparently no one wanted to talk about Nittle Graspers reunion either because they didn't know, which I hardly doubt, or because they were afraid of what I would do if it were mentioned. I played my role dutifully, never missing a beat, pretending we still had a chance to perform at the concert. Yuki didn't mention anything either, just stayed silent most of the time.

I haven't touched my keyboard in days.

The next day I got the package of 'Creativity in a Bottle'. Yuki wasn't home so I didn't have to go and explain why I wasted my money on a hoax. I started to chuckle when I pictured what might be in the bottle. Probably TicTacs or something similar, maybe Viagra, I stopped laughing when I saw what it was.

Ecstasy

* * *

Tsuzuku... 

(1)1,000 is equivalent to about $10 U.S. dollars.

Ecstasy is an illegal drug that elevates moods and can act as a short-term antidepressant. 'E' may not be physically addictive but it can be make someone 'dependent'.

More information can be found using the search engine.

Wheww...much better. Had to fix the German too...

Thanx to all my reviewers!


	3. Hai

Tired of Pretending  
by seven maxwell

Disclaimer: see prologue

Note...I've changed the title from "I'm not stupid" to "Tired of Pretending" simply because someone recommended it to me(smiles)

Hai  
Chapter Two

* * *

When I was growing up I never had any friends. They all made fun of me because I was smarter than them. They teased me, called me geek and nerd. Once a group of boys just a year older then me caught me after school and beat me up. I hated it. I hated being called a geek and a nerd. I hated that I never had any friends. I hated growing up. 

That changed after I transferred schools. After I had gotten jumped by those boys my parents decided we needed to move to a safer location. We moved to the Tokyo area, not in Tokyo but just outside of it. I was enrolled into a different school where no one knew me, where I had a chance to make friends, a chance to live a normal childhood. That's where I met Hiroshi Nakano, my best friend forever. Hiro has always stood up for me. Whenever someone tried to pick on me he always jumped in and made them stop. He never judged me or made fun of me, and when I told him I was in love with another man he didn't even blink an eyelash. Hiro has always been and will always be the best friend, only friend I ever had.

Sad thing is he's never seen the real me. He's only seen the happy-go-lucky-super-hyper Shuichi because that's all I've ever shown him. When I transferred to my new school I had decided not to be smart, I wanted to have friends so I pretended to be a little dumb. It's easier to have friends when they believe that they're smarter than you. It's like that 'ugly best friend'; you make best friends with someone who is slightly ugly only to make yourself seem prettier by comparison. It sucks but what can you do?

Hiro and I started our band together during high school. We were both enrolled in a music class, him with guitar and me with the keyboard. We learned what we needed and continued on from there. It was easy, just two guys having a great time writing crappy music. I'd never had so much fun before in my life. I became dependent on him. I was always afraid that if he knew the real me...if he ever found out that I'm not really all that happy and silly, he'd leave me or worse...be like those kids that made fun of me. I couldn't bear the thought of him treating me like those bullies did; even now I'm still afraid of it. That's why I've continued playing the idiot role I've made for myself.

I think I might have taken it too far though, I say that only because every time I look at my lyrics I want to wince at the sheer immaturity of it all. Yuki's right my lyrics do suck and I can't help but blame all the years of stupidity I've played. It's ingrained into my very being, I used to only play the part when someone was around but now I do it all the time. It has become a second skin for me; it's hard for me to remember where the mask ends and where I begin. It has affected my daily life, my personality, my intelligence, my talent and my creativity. It has taken over everything that is me and pushed the real me into being its shadow.

Do you know how scary it is to wake up one morning and not recognize the person looking back at you through the mirror, the incredible fear of not knowing who you are anymore? Words cannot describe the horror of trying to rediscover yourself, only, to find that you had put yourself in a quest that is more difficult than searching for a single grain of sugar in a bucket of sand.

I had inadvertently put myself into a dark empty room with no knowledge of a way out. It's no wonder that I grabbed with both hands the first little piece of light I came across. I took the first thing that showed me any little bit of freedom and used it to my advantage. Everything that I did, everything that had put me here, I was well aware of the consequences. I didn't take those pills because I was stupid.

I took them because I was desperate.

/Five months ago/

"Is he still in there?"

"Yeah, he's been in there for an hour."

"Are you planning to go in there and talk to him?"

"No, I think he needs to be alone right now."

"Are you sure?"

"I've known Shuichi since middle school; trust me right now he just needs to work things out on his own."

"Okay, but what do you thinks going to happen now?"

"I don't know. Damn that Tohma Seguchi, what gives him the right to say those things in front of Shuichi? As if we didn't already have enough stress."

"Tohma's always been like that, even to his own family."

"I can't imagine what it must have been like to grow up around him."

"Don't remind me."

"Where's Sakano?"

"I checked up on him earlier, he was trying to convince K from killing Seguchi."

"So K's still pissed?"

"Aren't you?"

"Yeah...but right now I'm more worried about Shuichi."

"How much longer until he comes out?"

"Could be a while."

"We can come back later. I want to see if Sakano was successful or not."

"You want to find out if K killed Seguchi you mean?"

"...yeah..."

"Let's go...Hey Shuichi! Suguru and I are going to go check on K and Sakano. We'll be back later. I have my phone when you're ready to talk."

I could hear their footsteps echoing as they walked away from the bathroom door but I didn't move from where I stood. My hands griping the sides of the sink as I stared at my reflection.

Flashbacks of the past hour still running through my head...

/Begin/

"Mr.Shindou what do you and the other members of Bad Luck think about Nittle Graspers reunion? Do you think you still have a chance to perform at the International Concert? What are your thoughts about competing against your idol Ryuichi Sakuma?"

"Um....Well I'm excited that Nittle Grasper's reunited. Um...I believe that Bad Luck still has a chance to perform at the International Concert I mean...we've worked really hard to be here, and um...I guess I'm a bit nervous about competing against Sakuma-san." I smiled at the reporter lady.

"As well you should Shindou-san. Sakuma-san will beat anyone he is pitted against." Tohma Seguchi smirked as he appeared before the reporters.

"Mr.Seguchi, what do you mean by that? A comment please." The reporter lady practically shoved her microphone in Tohmas face.

Tohma smiled. "I'm merely saying that Shindou-san will have a difficult time competing against Ryuichi Sakuma simply because he is still much too...young."

WHAT?! I jumped out of my seat slamming my hand down on the table. "What are saying Seguchi-san?" I ask him.

"I'm saying that you don't have what it takes to compete against Ryuichi Sakuma. You still need more practice; you are not at his level of talent and at the rate you're going I doubt you ever will be."

/End/

I think what made it all worse was the fact that I didn't have anything to say back. I couldn't even think of the right words. I just stood there gaping at him like a fish out of water and the worst part of it is that he's right. Tohma may be harsh but wouldn't say something unless he meant it and unless it was undoubtedly true, which he is and admitting it hurts.

I came and locked myself in here after being humiliated. I just couldn't face Hiro or Yuki or anyone for that matter. I feel so...lost. When the hell did everything change? How did the world suddenly become so freaking harsh and cold? God why was I so naive?

I close my eyes to avoid seeing the stranger in the mirror but he won't go away. He's there every time I open my eyes. I can't stand to look at him; I can't stand to look at the monster I've created.

I refuse to let him continue.

Tohma's right, my talent isn't where it should be and I won't get there if I don't stop making myself dumb. I look at the stranger in the mirror. He smiles at me and I smile back...only I'm giving him the finger while I'm at it.

Playtimes over.

* * *

/Present/ 

Jesus if I only knew how hard that was going to be, I would have just gone off to see a shrink. I was stupid to believe that all my problems were going to end as soon as I took off the mask.

I was stupid to believe I could take the mask off...

* * *

/Four Months Ago/ 

"Dammit!" I yell as I rip the sheet of paper out of my notebook, crumble it and toss it into the trashcan; another crappy song.

"Keep it down! I'm working." Yuki shouts from his study.

"yeah...yeah..." I mutter quietly. I grab my pen and try again.

For one whole month I'd been trying to write something new, something different, something not so...cheesy. For one whole month I haven't written a single lyric. It doesn't help that I've got all this damn pressure on me. K's been riding my ass all month for new lyrics. He's says I'm behind 'cause Suguru's already got most of his comp's done.

Well woopty...fuckin'...do.

I shake my head to clear it up, need to concentrate. Let's see...

'Nigiyaka na hitogomi ni tokeru tsubuyaki ga  
Ashi moto ni chirabatta omoide nijimaseru

Mayoi aruku machi no kagayaki wa glaring one way  
Kogo e sou na boku o terasu

Tsumetai toki ga yume o furaseru kono te no naka o suri nukete  
Negai kazo e mezame ta toki ni yureru maboroshi ni kimi ga utsuru  
Boku o michibiku kasu kana shiruetto

Nagasareru fuan dake o tsugeru yasashisa mo  
Eien ni mita sareta ashita mo hoshi kunai

Kimi ni todoke ruhazuno kotoba wa it's talk to myself  
Kage mo naku hibi ni ochiru

Furueru yubi de yume o kasaneru iki mo dekizuni kuzureteku  
Tashi kana koto futashi kasugite nani o shinji reba kimi ni aeru?  
Shiroku kieteku ano hi no shiruetto

Awaku somaru kisetsu o miageru Life Winter Dream  
Tachi domaru boku o sarau

Kaze ni kisareru torinoko sareru mune ni kaji kamu akogaremo  
Tsumetai toki ga yume ni tadayou sono te no naka ni uketomete  
Negai kazo e mezame ta toki ni yureru maboroshi ni kimi ga utsuru  
Boku o michibiku kasu kana shiruetto'

I read it again...not too bad. It's got some...spizzaazzjazzzz...it sucks. But it's the only thing I've got completed. It'll have to do.

I grab my pack and rip the lyrics sheet out of my notebook and stuff it into my back pocket.

"Yuki! I'm going to the studio! Ja'ne!" I holler to him as I slam the door behind me. It took me twenty minutes to get to the studio; K and Hiro were there when I entered.

"Shuichi you're early, you're not supposed to be here for another half hour." Hiro says.

"I know but I couldn't wait." I grin at him as I pull out the lyrics and show him.

"You've got something done?" He snatches the paper from me.

"It's about time." K frowns, "When did you write it?"

"Today." I drop my bag into an empty chair.

"That was fast." K says.

I grin at him.

Now I know I said that I was going to stop playing the fool...but trying to be myself is too much of a hassle. People change when you change...and they don't always change for the better.

"Alright then! Let's get started!" K yells pulling out his Smith-Wesson 40VE. "Time to make Tohma Seguchi eat his words!"

I had to laugh.

Suguru showed up half an hour later and we spent the day recording and re-recording the same song over and over, until I got sick of the freakin' song. We were in the middle of the fifth re-recording when the devil...er...I mean Tohma showed up unannounced. I didn't know he was there until the song stopped abruptly and I was met with cold green eyes.

"Shindou-san how nice to see you again." Tohma smiled.

Did I ever mention how much I hate that smile? It's creepy...

"Sacho what are you doing here?" Sakano rushes forward putting himself between me and the devil...er...Tohma.

"Sakano-san, forgive my intrusion but I just came by to see how Bad Luck was doing." He said, "I see Shindou-san has composed new lyrics. That's nice."

"Y-Yes sir, Thank you for caring but um...I think perhaps we should let them continue recording." Sakano says.

"Yes I see, are they on the first session?"

"No Sacho they're on the fifth."

Tohma blinked innocently, "Fifth? It takes that many recording's for one song? It only takes once maybe twice for Ryuichi to sing his song perfectly. I see that Shindou-san hasn't taken my advice. Bad Luck is still much too way behind." Tohma shook his head, "A good song needs good lyrics and a good singer. So far all you have is a good composition, but that's to be credited to Nakano-san and Suguru. I believe Shindou-san is the one lacking, a good lyricist needs an open mind, and a great singer needs...experience." Tohma shook his head once more and left the room.

Again I was plagued with the thousand pound weight on my tongue. Fuck if that's not the second time that bastard's insulted my talent. I'm seeping with fury.

"Shuichi?" Hiro says but he sounds so distant. I need air...right now...I leave, I can't stand to be here and I'm not in the best mood. I leave NG and talk a long walk towards the park.

Dammit! How many times am I going to have to deal with this sort of crap? I can never seem to please anyone. Tohma's insulted me to my face twice! K's been on my ass for new songs, Suguru's impatient with me, even Yuki's been ignoring me and Hiro...Hiro is still Hiro. The only real friend I have.

I spot an empty bench and sit down.

Nothing's good anymore. I'm tired of trying to please people; I never do it anyway so why keep trying? Why is it so hard for me to get any respect? Why does everyone have to push me around?

Why do I keep letting them?

It's the idiot in me...I see him every morning in the mirror. He won't go away and he still smiles at me. Only I can see him 'cause only I know he's not supposed to be there. I tried to get rid of him but it's like he's super glued to me, I can't shake him off.

I get up and stretch. I search for my bag...Shit I left my bag in the studio! God I want to rip my hair out! Heck with it, I'll get it tomorrow. I start walking home. I look at my watch and it says five o'clock. I blink...five already? Jesus I sat there for over an hour pitying myself.

I get to Yuki's apartment and realize I left the key in my bag. I knock loudly and ready myself for an ear load of complaining. Yuki opens the door and glares at me.

"What the hell are you doing knocking? Where's your key?" He asks mildly pissed.

I brush past him, "I left it in my bag, and left my bag at the studio."

"Why?" He asks shutting the door. He lights his cigarette.

"Because I got angry with Tohma today and I stormed out of there. I forgot to take my bag with me." I say, I plop down on the couch letting myself sink into the soft leather.

"Why are you mad with Tohma?" Yuki asks leaning against the wall.

"Because he's said that I don't have enough talent and that my songs suck and that I need more practice or experience or whatever he said and this is the second time he's insulted me...well actually third time but I really don't count the time on TV..."

"Shut up!" Yuki yells, "God you babble! If you're as noisy at the studio as you are here than it's no wonder Tohma said such things."

"What do you mean?!" I shout. I jump off the couch.

"I mean that if Tohma says that you don't have the talent to sing...then you don't have the talent to sing. He may be a shark in a guppy's scales but he's got good taste in music and he's probably the only honest person I know."

I'm stunned, "What about me? Don't you trust me? Don't you think I'm honest too?"

Yuki snorts, "Are you honest Shuichi?" He moves away from the wall and heads towards me, "Should I trust you?" He tilts my chin upward with his hand, "Sometimes I think I know you...and then the next minute you're a completely different person." He let's go of my face and turns away from me, "I don't know you Shuichi, and I'm not going to trust someone I don't know. Why don't you find out who you are, and when you do...let me know?" He shut the door, locking himself away from me.

I let myself fall to my knees; I stayed there just thinking of what Yuki said. His words kept repeating themselves over and over in my mind. Am I really that...shallow? No, I'm not shallow...I'm...what the hell am I?

I stayed there on the floor for hours, the sun had gone down and I still didn't move. Yuki hasn't come out of his study during that whole time. I'm tired, emotionally and physically. I'm hungry, and I'm cold....real cold. Goosebumps have spread all over my arms and legs from numbness. My head's been killing me, a pounding headache that throbs behind my eyes all the way to base of my spine. Tiredly, I get up and head into the bathroom in search of aspirin. I open the medicine cabinet and find nothing but toothpaste. I open the side drawers, nothing. I'm really starting to get pissed.

I open the sink cabinet and pull out my basket of toiletries, nothing. Dammit! I push the basket all the way in and knock over a small bottle. I reach in and pull it out.

'Creativity in a Bottle'

I forgot about those. I had shoved them deep inside the cabinet so Yuki wouldn't find them. I rotate the bottle in my hands; I remember the shock when I found out what these little pink pills were. I was so stunned that I immediately hid them. Why I didn't throw them away I don't know.

I open the bottle and tap out one pill. They're so small, so easy to hide...my eyes widen...No...should I? I look at the pill, it's not much. It's small, can't be too strong...can it? No, what am I thinking? I can't....can I? I look at the pill again...maybe...

...maybe just this once...

* * *

Tsuzuku... 

Thanx for all my reviews!

note ...the lyrics above are from the song 'Glaring Dream' by Kinya Kotani. In the anime this is the song Yuki says is crap. (Which isn't true…I like the song and Kinya Kotani)

Also...the translation for the German in chapter one is...A..H...M.....F.....!S..of a b...!Who does he think he is? I'll show him!

Lyric translations will be provided in the appendix at the end of the story..(wanna keep you in suspense...(grin))


	4. ba

Tired of Pretending  
7maxwell

Fandom: Gravitation

chapter four - unbeta'd beware  
Disclaimer - If I owned them would I be here?

* * *

You know….I think I might have mentioned somewhere that I'm smart. High IQ and several languages and all that, but if I was really smart I wouldn't have done the stupid things I did. I would have realized that it wasn't the pills that made me successful or talented, but that it was me all along. I just hadn't realized my true potential. All that time I had what I needed, but it wasn't until it was too late that I figured it out.

Maybe I'm not as smart as I think I am.

Either way it's too late now. I'm slowly coming out of my coma. I know it because I can feel my legs again and I can feel when someone sticks a needle in me. The mask over my face gets warm sometimes and my eyelids twitch. I haven't done this while people are around yet, but it won't be long before they realize how close I am.

I should be happy that I'm not gonna stay like this. That I won't be a vegetable for the rest of my life. I should be eager to get back up and celebrate the success of Bad Luck's number one song. I should be…

…but I'm not. I'm not ready to wake up just yet. I'm not ready to face the consequences of my choices. I'm just….I'm just not ready.

* * *

(Three and a half months ago)

"…doko made mo takaku mai agaru…" I finish. Lyrics aren't to bad, could use some improvement. Maybe I'll work the words around a little and see if I can time it with the beats to the comp Suguru made. Either way so far it's the best thing I've written.

Picking up the sheet of paper, I shove it into my pocket. I'm not ready to have anyone read it yet and Yuki will be home from his doctor's appointment soon. Besides it's my turn to cook tonight.

Going into the kitchen I start preparing the food. Last night he made pasta, tonight I want to make Korean barbeque, one of my specialties. He's never had it and I want to cook for him. Even though I know he's going to ask who delivered it.

Like I need for food to be delivered?

I can cook, it's just I don't cook well in front of him. He distracts me and all of my items burn.

Halfway through setting the plates on the table, Yuki comes home. The apartment door opening and closing gently. I can hear his footsteps on the floor.

"Yuki dinner's ready!" I yell out to him and toss the apron I was wearing in the sink. "I got barbeque for you and I also got your beer ready and some Kimchi as well as your favorite strawberry cheesecake and…"

He entered the kitchen and kissed my forehead. I swear I thought I was going to melt right there!

"Looks good. Who delivered?" He asked taking a seat.

"Ahhh…there's this new restaurant by the studio, they deliver in the three mile radius." I took a seat opposite him and raise my lemonade. "Cheers" I said and toasted not really expecting him to comply, and I'm surprised when he does.

"This is good." He says around a half full mouth. He looks so cute like that.

"I'm glad you like it." I really am. He likes my cooking even if he doesn't realize it's mine.

It's weird but Yuki's in a good mood today. Makes me wonder what the doc said to him.

"So how was your appointment? What did the doctor say?" I asked trying not to sound too curious.

He shoved a piece of meat into his mouth. "The same shit she always says. Only now I'm not on my medication anymore. Turns out it was getting me horny."

I choke. "Pardon?"

He smiled to me. Acutally smiled.

It's so rare to see him smile like that, that it warmed my heart to see that he's getting better. He's not so cold and untouchable like he used to be.

Dinner went without a hitch and we ended up on the couch cuddled together.

For some reason Yuki had been very nice to me, gentle, loving…and even physically endearing to me.

It was odd, but so very nice.

* * *

It was the start of my road to hell...

* * *

(Three months later)

My world had collapsed today. Collapsed in a way that just might never be repaired. A betrayl.

A betrayl so profound I'm still having trouble believing that it happened.

"Shu? Talk to me. Tell me what's on your mind." Hiro kneeled down next to me on the floor. He started rubbing my shoulders in a soothing manner only I couldn't be soothed.

How the hell do you soothe away a stab in the back?

"Leave me alone please." I whisper to him. I'm about ready to burst an angry bubble and I don't want him around to see it.

"No, we need to deal with this. This…this is…this has Tohma written all over it." He hissed.

I look up from my hands where I buried my face. He's right. This does smell like Tohma's doing. "That son of a bitch!" I yell, tears trekking down my cheeks.

That asshole's gotten me at every corner, every turn. I can't stand him!

"He's doing this on purpose! Isn't he!" I shouted latching onto Hiro's shirt. "He's trying to break me isn't he? Damn him!" I scream.

"Whoa shit Shuichi relax!" Hiro grabs my hands and pries them off his shirt. My hands fisted so tight, the knuckles are white. I'm shaking I'm so angry.

"He's right Shindou-kun. You need to relax. If you break down then Tohma wins." Fujisaki tries to reason.

Kid's right though. If I let myself break down like this…then Tohma does win. Fuck!

"I-I need to go." I get up and without looking back, I run out of the studio. I need to be alone. I ran until I ended up at the park again, just like the last time Tohma got to me. Throwing myself into an empty bench I buried my face in my hands.

I should have known something was up. It all made sense now. Yuki's good mood, his constant endearing attitude towards me. The little smiles he would give me, the caresses, the gentle touches. Even the way he made love to me was soft and slow. He's been doing what I've always wanted him to do.

It was like he was trying to soften me for the major blow. For two weeks he's been playing me like a puppet. Toying with my strings until he had me where he wanted me, and stupid me I danced to his tune. I really thought that he had changed, that he was getting better at expressing himself.

My hands tug on my hair tightly, yanking out a few pink strands out off my head. Fuck I'm so pissed and…and…upset…and…disappointed. Not at Yuki but with myself. I let myself be fooled and by my own boyfriend no less. I weaved that illusion of stupidity so damn well that everyone, including the man I love, thinks they can pull one over on me.

Well fuck that.

Something's gotta change. I can't stand this, I hate the feeling of being pushed around, and it's not going to happen anymore. I'm going to march my ass home and let Yuki experience first hand who the real Shuichi Shindou is.

* * *

I stayed at the park for another hour just watching people pass by. I didn't want to go home angry, so I stayed until I was calm enough to not snap the minute I see Yuki.

I didn't get home until late evening. The apartment was dark save for the light that emanated from beneath Eiri's study door. I didn't call out my traditional 'Tadaima' tonight. I figure I really don't care if he knows I'm home or not. If he wants me, he can find me.

Tossing my pack in to the closet, I kicked off my shoes and walked softly over to the couch. I turned on the tv, keeping the volume down on low, just barely enough for me to hear. Like clockwork, Yuki came out of his hiding place to stand at the entrance of the living room. Except that this time I can feel the tension radiating off of him. I know he's there and I'm pretty sure he knows that I know he's there. But I won't look at him, I just keep flipping the channels on the tv.

"Shuichi?"

"Yeah?"

He stayed quiet. I wonder what he's thinking. Maybe he's feeling a little sympathy for me?

"Have you eaten?"

"I'm not hungry." I shrugged still flipping through the channels. I saw his picture on one of the stations I passed and go back to it.

"…'release of his new book, author Eiri Yuki had announced earlier during one of his book signings this week that he and NG Director and keyboardist, Tohma Seguchi, have joined together to produce Nittle Graspers newest song to be performed at the International Concert held at Tokyo Bay in three months. Eiri Yuki, who wrote the lyrics for the new song, had commented on wanting to attempt his luck on song writing for some time now.'

'I find it odd though that Eiri Yuki would write a song for Nittle Grasper when he himself is involved in a relationship with lead singer of Bad Luck, Shuichi Shindou, who is also attempting to get the chance to perform at the International Concert. Don't you think it's strange Jan?'

'It is Hige. I wonder what lead singer Shuichi Shindou has to say about all of this?'

'You're guess is as good as mine Jan. But I won't put it past him to be upset…'"

I've heard about enough and I flipped the channel again. Yuki didn't say anything. Maybe he was expecting me to burst out in anger, accuse him of going behind my back, maybe even breaking down and crying for him not to do it.

I wasn't going to give him that satisfaction.

Turning the channels over and over, I stopped at one that had a movie playing. "Hey look 'Shall We Dance?' is on. Want to watch it?" I ask.

I guess that wasn't what he wanted to hear. Moving over to stand in front of me, Yuki snatched the remote out of my hand and turned the tv off. He stood there looking down at me, his arms crossed in front of him.

"You're not going to say anything? You're not going to ask me why?" He demanded to know.

Sucking in air between my teeth, I slowly made to stand up. I wasn't in the mood to start a fight with him.

"Shuichi! Answer me." He said a little more desperately.

"What do you want me to say?"

"Tell me what you feel?"

He wants to know how I feel? He couldn't tell how I felt after all this time of being together?

"There's nothing to say."

TBC…  



	5. Chapter 5

First of all I'm gonna say don't get excited. This is not a new chapter...yet. But it will be. I would like to apologize to all those remaining fans who have stood by and patiently waited for an update. I am deeply impressed with your commitment. I even got an email awhile ago from a fan who got tired of waiting years for me to update and decided to "gently" nudge me into writing. Being called a "meanie woman" cracked me up but also made me aware of the fiction I have neglected for many years.

And so I would like to also say that very soon this story will be taken down, broken apart, put back together from the very beginning and then reposted, all under the same title. The story just doesn't flow for me anymore and though I REFUSE to let this idea go to the dump, I can't very well pick up where I left off. I have so many more ideas, some that will light a fire under my tush, so to speak, and really have me pulling all nighters to finish chapter by chapter.

Thank you so much for your patience, and I hope you can wait just a little longer.

-Seven- 


End file.
